Kinko for President

Kinko the Clown has refused to concede a hard fought campaign.

A ballroom packed with nearly 3000 would-be revelers stood in shocked amazement as the major networks called the presidential election for Barack Obama last night at Kinko For President’s campaign HQ last night.

This morning the champagne and the confetti were moved into storage but not before the Kinko campaign staff had filed a federal lawsuit demanding a recount of write-in ballots across the USA.

“I think it was a little premature of John McCain to concede to Obama but that’s his affair. I’m not conceding until I see the actual tally in every precinct in the U.S. of write in ballots. Because I’m pretty sure that I did better than the 18 votes that went unreported!” asserted Kinko the Clown. “Personally, I’m outraged for Americans everywhere that our electoral process has been hijacked by this notion of a ‘two party system.’ We are not a two party country we are a country of great diversity and more consideration should be given to voices outside of Washington.”

According to unnamed sources inside Kinko’s staff the clown was also upset that neither, Obama, George W. Bush, or John McCain called him to discuss the election results. 

Today the Kinko For Presdient Campaign revealed a series of scathing testimonials against his Republican and Democratic rivals.

In a statement to the press Kinko said, “We just want our fellow Americans to know who they’re really voting for. These Ads feature real americans telling real stories about real candidates and we didn’t think we could hold this information from voters.”

"I knew this would happen and everyone said I was crazy. Well who's lauging now? No one. Because it's not funny." Kinko on the economy.

“That’s enough finger-pointing from Obama and McCain about today’s financial crisis,” said Kinko the clown today as the stock market dove more than 400 points. “It’s all lip service to attract voters. What solutions are they really offering American’s who’s 401ks and IRAs are tied to value of the market? It seems to me they’re just blaming the other guy so they seem like the better option. With the dollar slumping against world currencies like this anyone realize that we’re two steps away from bartering for food again?”

Kinko’s campaign today revealed a revolutionary but perhaps incidnieary addendum to their Spare Change Initiative. “What I’d like to do,” said Kinko “is have every single dollar invested on wall street reprinted, loaded onto a fleet of airplanes and dropped like snow all over the country.” His staff went on to explain that this will allow wealth in america to be spread out between all Americans evenly. “It’ll give everyone a fresh start and it’ll be fun!” said Kinko.

Stanley W. Geist, an analyst with a major brokerage firm with a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, had this to say, “I’d advise against Kinko’s plan but right now it’s not all that different from investing in stocks. Perhaps, if the IRS was will to let these massive losses go down as deductions, it might be interesting opportunity for average Americans. It would be fun to see all that money raining out of the sky though. It’d be like dreams I’ve had since I was a boy.”

The Kinko campaign was quick to point out that today’s market troubles are the result of experienced financial experts and government doing their best to keep America’s finacial health intact. “Look what experience has given us,” said Kinko. “Fortunately for America I have even less experience with politics and financial reform than Sarah Palin so I would definitely be the best candidate to lead America.”

When told this image was fake many soccer moms wanted to know if Palin was a liar as well as a cheap gun toting slut. "Why would she fake this? Is she trying to prove she's trailer trash?" asked one soccer mom.

“You used to know who a republican was,” said Martha Edendale-Fitch, “We were white, we were conservative christians, and we were soccer lovers. This whole hockey thing? That’s nonsense they cooked up in Canada.”

Edendale-Fitch is one of many identifying themselves as “soccer moms” who are fleeing the sudden influx of “hockey moms” to the GOP in response to the nomination of Sarah Palin who calls herself a “hockey mom”.

“My main problem is this whole pregnant daughter thing. I think we all know that hockey attracts and promotes teen sex. Do we want that in our party? Do we want that in our Vice President? I think we know the answer to these questions,” asserted Edendale-Fitch. “The great thing about soccer is that it teaches boys and girls to kick balls instead of slapping pucks. We all know what puck rhymes with.”

Many of these Soccer Moms have found a new home in the fledgling campaign of Kinko who’s campaign is fast becoming a home for those who are no longer under the republican or democratic banners.

“Kinko makes us feel safe. I don’t know if I’d feel safe with McCain in the white house.” said one soccer mom. “Maybe Palin should run for office in Canada. They like hockey.”

Kinko unveiled his new campaign ads in Philadelphia while vowing to end the constant political mudslinging.

By Tom Sharpe:

At a campaign stop in Philadelphia, independent presidential candidate Kinko the clown announced to the press that he refused to run negative ads unless they helped get him elected.
A flyer was passed out to supporters in attendance which read,“Under no circumstances will I stoop to mud slinging that does not besmirch the reputations of my political rivals.” Kinko listed a number of people who would not be criticized in his ads, including his mother, orphans, beautiful women wearing bikinis and Mahatma Gandhi.

As a crowd estimated at 40,000 looked on, a video commercial was projected on a screen.  The commercial opened on a scene of two monkeys wearing cut-out paper masks depicting John McCain and Barack Obama.  The monkeys hooted and scratched themselves and threw what appeared to be feces. The scene then cut to fire-bombs exploding in a straw hut village with children screaming and running in all directions while an announcer’s voice intoned, “Barack Obama and John Mcain want to kill all the babies.” The screen then cut to a fuzzy-focused shot of Kinko sitting on a park bench, alternately bottle-feeding a baby and sniffing a daisy on his lapel.  As a stream of water shot out of the daisy and hit Kinko in the eye, the announcer’s voice continued, “I’m speaking on behalf of Kinko the clown and he supports this message.” The sound of a bicycle horn could be heard and the screen faded to black.  The crowd in attendance erupted in wild applause.  As Kinko exited the podium, several women wearing bikinis marched onto the stage, dancing to, “Girls, Girls, Girls.” One of the women appeared to be Kinko’s 78 year old mother. 

Motley Crüe could not be reached for comment.

Kinko lashed out at FEMA's continued poor response to flooding in Iowa.

by: Tom Sharpe

Presidential candidate Kinko the clown called a press conference at the home of Marjorie Williams, 74, this Thursday.  Although Williams lives in Marion, Iowa, a town entirely unaffected by this summer’s flooding, it had come to Kinko’s attention that Mrs. William’s bathroom had been flooded by a large puddle of water earlier in the week.  She had forgotten to turn off the bath faucet when she became engrossed in a rerun of Days of Our Lives and water flowed onto the floor for close to three minutes.  Williams panicked and used a good guest towel to mop up the water and expressed concern that she had ruined the fabric.

Kinko expressed outrage at FEMA’s failure to respond to the emergency by beeping a bicycle horn and shaking his head sadly.
He then walked into the house and began juggling Mrs. William’s dinner plates.  When he inadvertently dropped one and broke it, he feigned crying.  This action segued into crying on Mrs. William’s shoulder, which turned into hugging her, then squeezing her breast as if it were his bicycle horn while miming laughing.  Mrs. Williams then called the police and a few minutes later, Kinko, dragging his size 18 feet, was escorted off the premises.

The Kinko campaign was upset that Barack Obama's campaign had scheduled Mr. Obama's appearance at the same time and place as Mr. Kinko's. Kinko was escorted away by Berlin's finest following his speech.

by: MATT PATTERSON BERLIN — Kinko the clown stood before a sea of cheering Germans last Thursday seeking to inspire a fresh perspective among our closest allies.

Unfortunately, not many Berliners could hear him. “I shouldn’t have been surprised,” said Mr. Kinko. “Obama’s people must be really threatened by my growing campaign to plan a counter-protest at the same time as me.”

The German police estimated that more than 200,000 people came to the Tiergarten, a sprawling park in the center of Berlin. Although the American media hyped the draw of opponent Barack Obama to the crush of Germans in attendance, many people in the crowd were heard to be asking about “der klown.”

Kinko’s keynote speech, delivered through a translator on bullhorn a few hundred feet behind the Brandenburg Gate was met with wild enthusiasm despite Mr. Barack’s well-amplified ramblings.

“Tonight, I speak to you not as a candidate for President, but as a clown — a proud clown and the funniest citizen of the world,” Mr. Kinko declared.

In his 9-minute address, Mr. Kinko reminded the crowd that although Europeans couldn’t vote in an American election, it was important that he speak to them now. After all, Germans can spam Kinko for President propaganda to American’s e-mail addresses without fear of the United States’ Federal CANNED-SPAM Act.

“I know my country isn’t perfect,” he said to cheers from the crowd. “Then again look at yourselves. America never tried to kill all of their Jews.”

Mr. McCain, campaigning in Ohio, belittled Mr. Kinko’s grasp of serious policy and criticized him for delivering his address at all.

“I’d love to give a speech in Germany like my opponents,” Mr. McCain told a crowd in Ohio, “but I frankly can’t afford the airfare. It’s high season and those new fuel surcharges are killer.”

During his stay, local Police chased Kinko around town, offering a minute-by-minute update of his whereabouts. “Panhandling is illegal in city limits, and while welcome the clown to speak in Berlin, he can not legally ask for spare change,” said Berlin Kommisar Herman Klink. “We’ve seen his poster and we know what he stands for.”

Other Berliner’s had no qualms with Kinko’s progressive platform. Manfred Hinckle, 64, said Mr. Kinko’s address brought back memories of Martin Luther King Jr.’s visit to East Berlin in 1964. “I thought, who is this guy yelling at me so loudly in English?”

“There are differences between our two countries, yeah,” Mr. Kinko said in his speech. “Perhaps the greatest thing we can learn from you people is that if you serve cold beer at McDonald’s, society does not break down into anarchy. Unfortunately.”

To the gathered crowd waving American flags, Kinko the Clown wrapped up. “People of Berlin, and people of Earth, your world is your challenge. I am Kinko, I am in charge of Kinko’s world. You are in charge of Germany. Knowing your neighbor is cool. Hi Germany! How are you? Our government is really big and scary. Sorry about that.”

He waved good bye as the Berlin police dragged him down to the U-Bahn tunnels, away from the crowd.

Kim Jong IL thinks Kinko should lead North Korea in the event of his untimely demise.

Kinko the clown may find himself leader of two countries if Kim Jong Il, the eccentric dictator of North Korea, has his way or dies anytime soon.

Kinko’s whirl-wind world-wide fact finding mission made a prolonged stop in Pyongyang, the capital of perhaps the most politically isolated nation on earth, where the red carpet was rolled out for Kinko and his staff. The 18 hour stop began over a large banquet presided over by Mr. Jong Il and was followed by an hour long parade of North Korea’s army in full dress regalia. Then Kinko and his team were allowed to visit the massive North Korean International Brotherhood Food Museum detailing the glories of North Korea’s farmers and the communist regime’s success in fighting world hunger.

At which point Kinko stopped the proceedings, turned to Mr. IL and scribbled the following on a scrap of paper, “Mr. IL, this is all lies, you’re lying to yourself and your people. Mr. IL, tear down this museum and tear down the walls that divide this country from it’s south half.”

Shocked, Kim Jong IL responded, “No one has ever spoke like this to me. Do you know who you are speaking to clown?”

To which Kinko replied, “Mr. IL, we are both men of action. Word do not suit us. But let me say this: I know that I am speaking to the leader of a great country and a great people but you must look in your heart and see that what you are doing here is no longer working. Your people are hungry – hungry for food, knowledge, and the rights of self-determination. It’s time I think to give your country back to the people who make it work. Right now, you are no better than the fool who has seized the reins of America.”

Ashamed, Kim Jong IL realized that Kinko the clown was right. Within minutes he had declared that by 2020 he would tear down the wall which divides North and South Korea and establish a democratic commission to oversee the creation of a new government. He also made it known that should he become infirm or die before this time that Kinko the clown would be his first pick to take the reins of this communist nation.

“I’m very flattered by Kim’s enthusiasm for my candidacy but I’m an American. I don’t think I would have the cultural knowledge and savvy to lead the people of North Korea to freedom. But I think they can do this themselves and should do it with all due haste.”

Before leaving Kinko was presented with the Kim IL Sung award, North Korea’s highest honor.

Ahmahdinejhad said, "We will halt development of weaponized uranium as soon as Kinko is president of the United States."

Kinko the clown has begun his world tour with a charm offensive in Iran; one of America’s most vaunted enemies. His reception was incredibly well received and arab newspapers are atitter with the news.

After a very long closed door meeting with Iran’s president Kinko was heartily endorsed by President Ahmadinejad. “Kinko has delighted me with his juggling, sword swallowing, and tying of balloon creatures,” said Ahmadinejad, “I can see with great clarity that this man, this clown, will treat our nation, and all nations with the respect we deserve. What is more, he has explained to me clearly and simply that jews are not really evil, in such a way that I now understand this to be true. So we will not have to blow Israel off the map as we had long intended to. It seems that we are, as all men are, filled with cultural prejudice. Kinko has shown me that if we lead a life with fact based decision making we’ll be able to forge better relations with the west. I pray to Allah that Kinko is elected President of The United States.”

Ahmadinejad also said that he may allow women to appear in public without veils and see what he could do about America’s rising gas prices. “I serve at the pleasure of Kinko,” said Ahmadinejad.

Due to security concerns the Kinko For President campaign has chosen not to reveal Kinko’s next far east destiation.

A Virtual Yard Sign Like This You Can Post Anywhere With Every Donation No Matter How Small!

The Kinko campaign today announced that it is forgoing public funds in favor of a novel method of campaign finance.

“Unlike Obama and McCain we don’t need millions to get to the White House,” said Kinko, “just give us your spare change and we’ll put it to good use.”

If you believe in regime change then Kinko needs your spare change. Make a bonafide tax-deductible donation, in any amount, to Kinko’s campaign here: http://www.bindlestiff.org/menu/donate.html

Donations are being handled by The Bindlestiff Family Cirkus who is using it’s promotional muscle to take the Kinko For President campaign on the road and provide Americans a chance to meet Kinko The Clown in person. As a bonus they’ll also be putting on a bitchin’ variety circus arts show.

What are your donations being used for? Mostly to buy gas so the Cirkus can drive to all it’s campaign stops and tour dates. Really, that’s where it’s going.

Just do it already. We are PayPal enabled so it couldn’t be easier. You’ve probably already got spare change sitting in your PayPal account. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have those pesky digits after the decimal point messing up the balance in your checking account?

If you donate, even a penny, we’ll send you a personalized, electronic yard sign, with the amount you donated to the campaign that you can post anywhere on the internet to let people know you support Kinko For President.

WE CAN BELIEVE IN SPARE CHANGE

Are You Ready To Be All That You Can Be?

Do you think you have what it takes to help put a real clown in the white house? If so you could be Kinko’s Vice President.

Interested parties should e-mail their photo and a brief statement as to why they should be Kinko’s V.P. to . Once your submission is approved for consideration it will be posted for members of the public to vote on here at http://www.kinkoforpresident.com. Final voting will be tallied on Oct. 15th.

The winner may (or may not) be given Greyhound Bus Fare to the New York City victory party on Nov. 4th, a Kinko For President T-shirt, and a Kinko For President poster.

Potential Vice Presidents should be champions of personal responsibility, have a sense of humor, and be willing to tirelessly promote themselves and Kinko. An appreciation for the circus arts is appreciated but no required – on the job training provided - no benefits.

Is Criss Angel using his dark powers to direct business away from clowns and towards magicians?

“Clowns in poor and urban areas of our great country are in dire straights. There’s no gigs; parents are hiring petting zoos, moonbounces, cotton candy vendors, and magicians for their childrens birthday parties but clowns are being left behind. It’s my intention to close this achievement gap by 2012. We need to increase the standards of accountablity and increase the flexibility parents have in choosing entertainers for their kids. We need standards based clowning reform which is based on the belief that setting high expectations and establishing measurable goals can improve individual outcomes in juggling, making balloon animals and face painting,” said Kinko.

Kinko’s plan includes a clown coaching program which will send federally certified clown coaches into communities in need. In accordance with the 10th amendment limiting federal power individual states would have to set standards for their own coaching programs. As soon as Kinko is elected his administration will form a task force to work with congress and state legislators to enact this program called, No Clown Left Behind.

When asked what he thought might be causing the decline in demand for clowns Kinko said, “Reality Television, the rise in popularity of Poker, and slowing birth rates among the affluent. Either that or Criss Angel Mind Freak is subliminally telling America to stop hiring clowns and hire more magicians. Is it just me or is it more than just his mind that’s freaky?”

No response to Kinko’s allegations of “Freakyness” or of responsibility for reducing clown business has been made from the Criss Angel camp.

Kinko strikes a balance in that you can laugh with him and at him. The other candidates are hamstrung by sincerity and integrity.

Citing recent observations that it is hard to make fun of Barack Obama (article) Kinko made his case that there’s a humor gap in America.

“It used to be that in this great country of ours there was a surplus of humor but there hasn’t been a lot to smile about lately. The dollar has fallen to a record low. There’s a subprime mortgage crisis. We’re still at war… The last time things were this bad was perhaps the great depression. And Senator Obama is supposed to be the answer to our woes?”

Pointing out that many find Senator Obama sincere to the point where they have trouble making fun of him Kinko offered himself as the butt of many american jokes. “It’s pretty easy to make fun of a clown which is why I’d be a better candidate. Think of all the fun “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” could have if a clown were really president. The writers of their shows have their work cut out for them every day trying to make fun of McCain and Obama but with a real clown in office their lives would be easier and America would benefit.”

Philomena Bindlestiff pointed out that America has always born its struggles with a grin. “America’s sense of humor is being underestimated by the Republican and Democratic parties. Washington should not forget that the U.S.A. has used humor to as a weapon against slavery, and for womens’ suffrage, civil rights, and high gas prices. If we lose our sense of humor the terrorists will have won. We need a president who we can laugh at.”

“Unlike the other two candidates,” said Kinko, “every day of my presidency would be a joke.”

Kinko’s campaign staff were quick to say that each day the Kinko administration would issue jokes daily but that the presidency itself would not be a joke.

Kinko suggested even mimes could replace solidiers in Iraq and Afghanistan as early as next summer.

The Kinko For President campaign has released preliminary details of Kinko’s plans for his first 100 days in office.

“For his first 100 days in office Kinko will be focused on the economy and our involvement in Iraq,” said Philomena Bindlestiff, the clown’s campaign manager. “Those are priorities to every American and America’s priorities are Kinko’s priorities.”

To begin President Kinko will reduce our troop presence in Iraq by replacing our overworked men and women overseas with clowns.

“Things have been real tense over there; especially in Ramadi and Bagdad. A little levity will go a long way to smoothing things over,” said Kinko. There is, understandably, some public concern over replacing soldiers with clowns but Kinko assuaged fears. “Only professional clowns who speak arabic, with combat, weapons, and muslim sensitivity training will be certified to replace soldiers. I will work to speed through congress a bill approving a new branch of the armed forces called the Clown Corp. with appropriate resources to ensure every clown is properly trained and equipped with sidearms and sand repellent grease paint. “ When asked whether mimes might join this new army of clowns Kinko said, “Any red-blooded american who wants to serve his country can sign up. We have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in other military branches we will in the Clown Corp too.”

Simultaneous to this the Kinko administration will press forward with a unique economic stimulus plan. “Our economy is plummeting and President Bush’s tax rebates have had no effect. The majority of the money that was supposed to spur spending has instead gone into savings and and paying off debt. Well, if Americans want to pay off their debt and save money we should help them do it.” said Kinko. He then outlined a plan to peg the value of the dollar to peanuts. “At the rate of the dollar’s declining value vs. other world currencies the dollar will only be worth peanuts. Why not simply let citizen’s exchange their worthless dollars for peanuts? And while we’re at it we can tell China that we’re going to pay back our enormous Treasury loan debts in peanuts instead of dollars. Peanuts don’t require printing, they keep for a couple years, and they’re high in ‘healthy’ fats and oils. I’m sure China will be happy with this arrangement because the future value of peanuts is clearly more stable.”

A member of the press asked the clown if he was serious. “What do you think?” asked Kinko. 

Kinko the clown declared George W. Bush a lame duck.

On his recent visit to Japan, George Bush made a wish and posted it on a wishing tree for the public to see; prompting the following response from Mr. Kinko.

“It’s a shame to see a once powerful a man reduced to wishful thinking. I suppose with a democratically controlled congress Mr. Bush is feeling powerless but the last thing America needs right now is wishful thinking from it’s leaders – we need action. When I am president I will take immediate real world steps to bridge the chasms in Washington that have left our country lost at sea without a rudder.”

When asked what these real world steps would be Kinko answered, “First of all a ban on wishful thinking for members of the executive branch of our country. That’s just lame and it’s even lamer coming from the President.”

Kinko’s campaign staff hastened to add that Kinko will soon be releasing a more thorough plan for his first 100 days in office.

July 4th, 2008

- Kinko The Clown

Kinko doubts Obama or McCain would be good BBQ guests.

According to a new poll by the Associated Press (see here), more americans would invite Barack Obama to their bar-b-que than John McCain.

Outraged, once again, by the media’s constant bias against third party candidates Kinko scribbled the following rant on cardboard, “The AP’s poll is clearly biased! Neither John McCain nor Barack Obama would do anything other than talk too much and overload their plate with potato salad. At least I could earn my keep at a barbecue by juggling and making balloon animals for the kids! This is another example of how the media is doing their best to hide third party candidates from the public.”

Kinko staffers also objected to the fact that the barbecue presented in the AP poll was hypothetical. “Why didn’t they throw a real barbecue and invite all three candidates?” asked Philomena Bindlestiff. “Probably because they know that Kinko would have been a sensation and Obama and McCain would have been left in the shadows of a real candidate. If they had done a real life barbecue poll we would’ve won by a landslide.”

Kinko then added, “Yeah, hypothetical barbecues are not only biased… they’re cheap.”

The Associated Press has not yet responded to Kinko’s allegations of media bias or being skin-flints.

Although Kinko defended Wes Clark's statement as factual the clown added, "He's not the right V.P. for me."

The clown candidate fired back at the press today as Obama and McCain’s spin machines were in full swing. “General Wesley Clark’s comments this weekend were not really inaccurate. It might have been nicer to say, ‘Although John McCain is a patriotic warrior who bleeds red, white and blue, the fact that his plane was shot down in Viet Nam and was a prisoner of war, does not qualify him to be president.’ but Wes Clark was simply stating a fact. Frankly, the press is making a big deal out of nothing and I’m surprised that Obama and McCain are even stooping to respond.”

Kinko went on to point out that the only real qualifications to be president are: to be a natural born citizen of the united States, to be at least 35 years old and to have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years. “At least the last time I checked the constitution of the United States that’s what it said. If I have to get shot down in a plane to qualify then you can count me out.”

The clown’s campaign staff were quick to clarify that Kinko was not withdrawing from his presidential bid. 

Kinko got a much needed boost of confidence today in an endorsement from an unlikely source.

ZimmyKrak4KrUmPiNz WreckKREW became the first group of Krumpers to endorse Kinko The Clown’s presidential bid.

“He’s keepin’ it real. That’s what we like about Kinko,” said Zimmy the leader of one of Albequrque New Mexico’s Krump crews. “He’s a clown who’s makin’ it every day by clowning. He’s for community and freedom of expression and that’s what we’re about. Plus that %*#ch can swallow a sword. He’s a stone cold killa!”

Krumping is an urban African American street dance form that developed on the streets of South Central Los Angeles, around 2001 - 2002. It is characterized by free, expressive, and highly energetic moves and is a major part of the hip hop dance culture, alongside other techniques, such as: breakdance, locking, popping and freestyling. Krump is often represented as K.R.U.M.P., an acronym for Kingdom Radically Uplifted Mighty Praise, presenting krumping as a faith-based artform. - Wikipedia

Kinko’s campaign staff was quick to point out that this endorsement comes from a largely African-American community a group once thought dominated by Barack Obama. Some pundits had speculated that Kinko’s need to put on white face make up would be a turn off to African-Americans but it seems once again that Kinko The Clowns campaign defies all conventional wisdom.

R. Cleason of Austin, TX, the mother of a krumper had this to say, “Kinko represents a community who’s voice is not being heard. A lot of kids who wear clown make up and red noses are afraid to go to school as clowns. So their red nose ends up in a book bag all day instead of buried in a book. Kinko is saying ‘It’s okay to be a clown. It’s okay if people laugh at you instead of with you.’ He’s an inspiration.”

It is possible McCain, like many americans, was frightened by clowns when he was a child.

After weeks of haranguing for Barack Obama to meet him in 10 town hall meetings John McCain is apparently seeking to avoid a confrontation himself.

According to unnamed sources at McCain’s campaign headquarters the Kinko campaign staff has repeatedly reached out to set up a debate with McCain but has been snubbed over and over. The repeated offers have apparently upset the republican candidate who thinks his campaign’s credibility would suffer a fatal blow if he were to debate Kinko. McCain reportedly said, “Get real! This isn’t funny any more so stop bugging me about it. That guy’s just a clown!”

Kinko was philosophical about the refusal. “It seems ironic that McCain’s desire for credibility is threatened by one candiate who refuses to speak to him and another candidate that he refuses to speak to himself. But what do I know about irony?” asked Kinko. “I’m just a clown.”

Citing their long term relationship with Kinko the clown The Bindlestiff Family Cirkus heartily and officially endorsed Kinko The Clown for president today.

The Cirkus has also vowed to put their fund-raising muscle behind the candidate and are seeking donors to take Kinko For President on the best campaign tour the rapidly diminishing dollar can afford and offered to throw in a complete evening or matinee at every campaign stop as an enticement to donors.  More information can be obtained at their site.

“Today we are coming together for the same goal—to elect Kinko the Clown the next president of the United States,” Philomena Bindlestiff told a crowd of about 3,000.

“We are ready to go toe-to-toe with McCain and Obama in what will be a hard-fought general election, but today and every day going forward we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with this red nosed fella for the ideals we share and the values we cherish,” she said. “It’s the White House or Bust!”

According to Kinko The Clown even small cars can be used to rideshare. The candidate apparently prefers colorful models such as this one.

Today, Kinko the clown buffed his green credentials with his unique approach to reducing his own carbon footprint. “We need to get more aggressive about carpooling,” the clown suggested. “Last night 23 friends and I climbed in a MiniCooper to make a beer run and we still had room for 2 kegs. It just requires training, flexibility and a dull sense of smell.”

Kinko’s staff has issued a the following retraction to would-be extreme carpoolers: ”Kinko The Clown and his campaign accept no responsibility or liability for members of the public who knowingly exceed the maximum number of passengers and weight restrictions recommended by car manufacturers. Always drive safely and responsibly.”

Shocked by John McCain’s sudden reversal on opening up the shores of America to more oil exploration Kinko lashed out. “This is typical republican fear mongering. McCain is tryng to make americans think they can’t live without more oil. What America needs is new fuel sources such as farts and laughter. Farts contain methane which, when refined, is a great fuel and anyone who has seen Monsters Inc. can tell you that laughter is 10 times more powerful than fear.”

Not to be outdone by his republican rival’s $300 Million dollar prize for a better battery for electric cars Kinko has offered a $2 Billion dollar prize to anyone who can devise a way to combine farts and laughter into the ultimate super fuel.

Wild rumors and speculation about who might be chosen as a vice presidential candidate are being squashed by the Kinko Campaign

“It’s really hard,” said campaign staffer Philomena Bindlestiff, “basically because he’s so presidential already we don’t need a VP to bolster any particular aspect.” Rumors have been swirling about many hopefuls who have approached the Kinko campaign – rumors of sports star Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics, bi-sexual reality show icon Tila Tequila, and even speculation that Nick Lachey is interested have been denied by the campaign and the supposed hopefuls. But as the campaign progresses it’s clear that a VP will need to be chosen. Kinko said, “We’ll make a decision when the right running mate presents themselves.”

Philomena Bindlestiff then proceeded to downplay the attempts to “swift-boat” Kinko’s growing popularity: “All the allegations are true. He is a clown. He is an eagle scout. He does use public restrooms. Why should he deny any of that?”

Unnamed sources have leaked a rumor that Terry McCauliffe may like to join Kinko's campaign. Kinko and his staff are circumspect.

Today, in the spirit of transparency, Kinko The Clown released his tax returns for the last few years. The press and campaign staff were shocked to learn that Kinko has subsisted strictly on the meager earnings of a clown and the kindness of others.

Kinko, a mute clown, scribbled furiously on tattered pieces of cardboard to explain, “The circus arts have suffered greatly in the past years. I wanted the public, my supporters and even my detractors to know that their candidate really is a clown.” He then added, “This ain’t a day job people.”

According to unnamed sources, Terry McCauliffe, the former campaign manager of Hillary Clinton, was so taken with Kinko’s honesty that he’s considering an offer to manage Kinko’s campaign. When told of this rumor Kinko said, “That guy is too sincere. He freaks me out… but I’ll take a bonafide offer under advisement.”

Kinko is thronged by enthusiastic supporters hoping for an autograph

Months of speculation and rumor mongering are over. On Sunday, Mr. Kinko officially announced that he would seek the presidency as a third-party candidate.

“If there was no other reason to run — other than the civil liberties, civil rights issue of ballot access — it’d be worth it,” Mr. Kinko said in a telephone interview after announcing his candidacy on “Meet the Clown.”

Mr. Kinko, a mute clown who made his mark by taking on the box-car industry more than 40 years ago, turns 35 this week, making him the youngest candidate in the race.

Mr. Kinko explained his candidacy by saying Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain were nearly indistinguishable on many important issues. On “Meet the Clown,” he conceded that “there are differences” between Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, and Senator Barack Obama, who has an edge in delegates as the Democratic race heads to the next nominating contests on March 4.

But Mr. Kinko said that issues like single-payer health insurance, labor law reform, the Iraq war and “cracking down on corporate mimes” had been “taken off the table” by the major-party candidates.

Mr. Kinko also said ballot access had become a central issue for him. Coming to the presidential race late he was anxious to be added to the ballot in all 50 states, he said. But election officials throughout the country seemed resistant to putting a clown on the ballot, he said.

He recently filed two complaints, in Superior Court in Washington and in Federal District Court in Virginia, accusing the Democratic National Committee and it’s GOP counterpart of conspiring to deny him ballot access and prevent him from running for president. Both parties may challenge the signatures on his petitions in many states, keeping him off the ballot in Pennsylvania, Ohio and elsewhere.

Mr. Kinko compared the marginalization of independent candidates to the discrimination against blacks in the South maintained by the Jim Crow laws.

“One is based on race,” he said, “and the other is based on status. They are basically discriminating against us because they think we’re going take votes away from them.” He added, “Look at it from the voter point of view: They’re denying us a free choice of candidates.”

Reactions from the Democratic candidates on Sunday ranged from disdainful to dismissive.

Told of Mr. Kinko’s announcement on her campaign plane, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said: “Wow, that’s really unfortunate. I remember when he did this before. It’s not good for anybody, especially our country.”

Mr. Obama, campaigning in Ohio, said: “Mr. Kinko deserves enormous credit for the work he did as an advocate for Hobos. But his function as a perennial candidate is not putting food on the table of workers.”

Mr. Obama also criticized Mr. Kinko for equating Mr. Gore and Mr. Bush: “Eight years later, people realize that Mr. Kinko did not know what he was talking about.”

KLOWN NEWS NETWORK June 13, 2008

After accusations by Barack Obama and John McCain supporters and advisers that he is confused” and confusing” on Iraq, Kinko hit back hard today.

“It’s a very clear choice,” Kinko told KNN following his appearance in Nashoba Valley, New Hampshire this afternoon.

There is nothing confusing about (McCain and Obama’s) their lack of knowledge and experience and judgment on this issue, and the fact that they are simply wrong,” Kinko said.

“I’ve been to Iraq on multiple USO tours and I can tell you: Iraq is winning this war… this war against the american sense of humor. These Iraqis just don’t laugh at anything anymore. Nothing is funny to them.” he said. “It’s a remarkable example of how our great country is destroying the very values it has vowed to protect.”

Before Kinko arrived for a town hall meeting on the campus of Nashoba College Rep. Paul Hodes, D-N.H., and Sen. Claire McCaskill, D-Mo., cited a finding by the Tax Policy Center that 80 percent of Kinko’s proposed tax cuts would benefit no one while Obama’s tax cuts for the middle class would be substantially larger than Kinkos cuts for the same group.

Kinko told KNN that the Tax Policy Center is a well-known left-wing think tank.

“Senator Obama wants to raise people’s taxes,” he said. “He wants to raise the capital gains tax and he wants to raise the tax on Social Security for middle-income Americans,” Kinko said.

“He wants to raise taxes and I want to keep taxes low—for every American and particularly clowns.” said Kinko

pictured: Kinko the Clown, Angie Pontani (Miss Cyclone), Marty Markowitz (Brooklyn President), and Ekaterina (Miss Coney Island)

Kinko made a campaign visit with some of his core constituents today. It was a warm reception for one of Coney Island’s good will ambassadors.

Instead of focusing on issues today Kinko spent some time doing what he does best – entertaining. Although the spell was broken when three young ruffians started yelling pro-McCain statements. They finished their rant by saying, “You’re just a clown! You’ll never be president.”

Kinko just smiled and shrugged as if to say, “There you go again.” The crowd burst into applause. Following his show of balloon animals and juggling voter registration was heavy.

“Kinko’s got my vote.” A member of a local sideshow asserted, “He’s a freak like me.”

Kinko and Stoney

Speaking at a town hall meeting at Okefenoke High School, Kinko had the crowd rolling in the aisles and even making suggestions for an Kinko administration.

... The tone was easy and at times light. But that masked the importance of the issue at the core of Kinko’s message — the mime threat.

Kinko’s visit to Okefenoke was part of a two-week swing through battleground states, with each stop having an security theme — an issue that now tops the list of worries for voters nationwide.

At point after point, [Kinko] underlined his credentials as a rail riding, butt-smoking roustabout, saying Republicans are out to misrepresent his views. His mime cuts, he said, would be paid for by ending Bush’s blanket subsidy of mimes.

In the Senate, McCain initially opposed the Bush mime subsidies, but now says he wants to make them permanent. Kinko says the Bush endowments disproportionately benefit mimes while marginalizing clowns.

“It is time for folks like me who make less that $250 to stop paying our fair share,” Kinko said. “If you are a family making less than $250 my plan will not raise your taxes. Period. Just because mimes are a public nuisance doesn’t mean the public should pay for them.”

Average Americans, he said, “could stand a break. You could stand a break from all these annoying mimes.”

The citizens of Okefenoke responded with thunderous applause.

A report this week from the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center found Kinko’s plan would provide absolutely no tax cuts for the middle class and is essentially no different than McCain’s approach, something Kinko touted Thursday.

Kinko’s plan calls for tax credits for working and non-working clowns.

“I think (Kinko’s) picking up a lot of independent and Republican votes,” said an Deborah Dandrige of Mayville.

She attended with Jenny Wallbanger of nearby Danville, each bringing along a teenage son.

“We’re Mimed out,” Wallbanger said.