Clown Campaign Reveals Plan For First 100 Days
Kinko suggested even mimes could replace solidiers in Iraq and Afghanistan as early as next summer.
The Kinko For President campaign has released preliminary details of Kinko’s plans for his first 100 days in office.
“For his first 100 days in office Kinko will be focused on the economy and our involvement in Iraq,” said Philomena Bindlestiff, the clown’s campaign manager. “Those are priorities to every American and America’s priorities are Kinko’s priorities.”
To begin President Kinko will reduce our troop presence in Iraq by replacing our overworked men and women overseas with clowns.
“Things have been real tense over there; especially in Ramadi and Bagdad. A little levity will go a long way to smoothing things over,” said Kinko. There is, understandably, some public concern over replacing soldiers with clowns but Kinko assuaged fears. “Only professional clowns who speak arabic, with combat, weapons, and muslim sensitivity training will be certified to replace soldiers. I will work to speed through congress a bill approving a new branch of the armed forces called the Clown Corp. with appropriate resources to ensure every clown is properly trained and equipped with sidearms and sand repellent grease paint. ” When asked whether mimes might join this new army of clowns Kinko said, “Any red-blooded american who wants to serve his country can sign up. We have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in other military branches we will in the Clown Corp too.”
Simultaneous to this the Kinko administration will press forward with a unique economic stimulus plan. “Our economy is plummeting and President Bush’s tax rebates have had no effect. The majority of the money that was supposed to spur spending has instead gone into savings and and paying off debt. Well, if Americans want to pay off their debt and save money we should help them do it.” said Kinko. He then outlined a plan to peg the value of the dollar to peanuts. “At the rate of the dollar’s declining value vs. other world currencies the dollar will only be worth peanuts. Why not simply let citizen’s exchange their worthless dollars for peanuts? And while we’re at it we can tell China that we’re going to pay back our enormous Treasury loan debts in peanuts instead of dollars. Peanuts don’t require printing, they keep for a couple years, and they’re high in ‘healthy’ fats and oils. I’m sure China will be happy with this arrangement because the future value of peanuts is clearly more stable.”
A member of the press asked the clown if he was serious. “What do you think?” asked Kinko.
