Kinko for President

Is Criss Angel using his dark powers to direct business away from clowns and towards magicians?

“Clowns in poor and urban areas of our great country are in dire straights. There’s no gigs; parents are hiring petting zoos, moonbounces, cotton candy vendors, and magicians for their childrens birthday parties but clowns are being left behind. It’s my intention to close this achievement gap by 2012. We need to increase the standards of accountablity and increase the flexibility parents have in choosing entertainers for their kids. We need standards based clowning reform which is based on the belief that setting high expectations and establishing measurable goals can improve individual outcomes in juggling, making balloon animals and face painting,” said Kinko.

Kinko’s plan includes a clown coaching program which will send federally certified clown coaches into communities in need. In accordance with the 10th amendment limiting federal power individual states would have to set standards for their own coaching programs. As soon as Kinko is elected his administration will form a task force to work with congress and state legislators to enact this program called, No Clown Left Behind.

When asked what he thought might be causing the decline in demand for clowns Kinko said, “Reality Television, the rise in popularity of Poker, and slowing birth rates among the affluent. Either that or Criss Angel Mind Freak is subliminally telling America to stop hiring clowns and hire more magicians. Is it just me or is it more than just his mind that’s freaky?”

No response to Kinko’s allegations of “Freakyness” or of responsibility for reducing clown business has been made from the Criss Angel camp.