Kinko for President

The Kinko campaign was upset that Barack Obama's campaign had scheduled Mr. Obama's appearance at the same time and place as Mr. Kinko's. Kinko was escorted away by Berlin's finest following his speech.

by: MATT PATTERSON BERLIN — Kinko the clown stood before a sea of cheering Germans last Thursday seeking to inspire a fresh perspective among our closest allies.

Unfortunately, not many Berliners could hear him. “I shouldn’t have been surprised,” said Mr. Kinko. “Obama’s people must be really threatened by my growing campaign to plan a counter-protest at the same time as me.”

The German police estimated that more than 200,000 people came to the Tiergarten, a sprawling park in the center of Berlin. Although the American media hyped the draw of opponent Barack Obama to the crush of Germans in attendance, many people in the crowd were heard to be asking about “der klown.”

Kinko’s keynote speech, delivered through a translator on bullhorn a few hundred feet behind the Brandenburg Gate was met with wild enthusiasm despite Mr. Barack’s well-amplified ramblings.

“Tonight, I speak to you not as a candidate for President, but as a clown — a proud clown and the funniest citizen of the world,” Mr. Kinko declared.

In his 9-minute address, Mr. Kinko reminded the crowd that although Europeans couldn’t vote in an American election, it was important that he speak to them now. After all, Germans can spam Kinko for President propaganda to American’s e-mail addresses without fear of the United States’ Federal CANNED-SPAM Act.

“I know my country isn’t perfect,” he said to cheers from the crowd. “Then again look at yourselves. America never tried to kill all of their Jews.”

Mr. McCain, campaigning in Ohio, belittled Mr. Kinko’s grasp of serious policy and criticized him for delivering his address at all.

“I’d love to give a speech in Germany like my opponents,” Mr. McCain told a crowd in Ohio, “but I frankly can’t afford the airfare. It’s high season and those new fuel surcharges are killer.”

During his stay, local Police chased Kinko around town, offering a minute-by-minute update of his whereabouts. “Panhandling is illegal in city limits, and while welcome the clown to speak in Berlin, he can not legally ask for spare change,” said Berlin Kommisar Herman Klink. “We’ve seen his poster and we know what he stands for.”

Other Berliner’s had no qualms with Kinko’s progressive platform. Manfred Hinckle, 64, said Mr. Kinko’s address brought back memories of Martin Luther King Jr.’s visit to East Berlin in 1964. “I thought, who is this guy yelling at me so loudly in English?”

“There are differences between our two countries, yeah,” Mr. Kinko said in his speech. “Perhaps the greatest thing we can learn from you people is that if you serve cold beer at McDonald’s, society does not break down into anarchy. Unfortunately.”

To the gathered crowd waving American flags, Kinko the Clown wrapped up. “People of Berlin, and people of Earth, your world is your challenge. I am Kinko, I am in charge of Kinko’s world. You are in charge of Germany. Knowing your neighbor is cool. Hi Germany! How are you? Our government is really big and scary. Sorry about that.”

He waved good bye as the Berlin police dragged him down to the U-Bahn tunnels, away from the crowd.