Kinko for President

Kinko unveiled his new campaign ads in Philadelphia while vowing to end the constant political mudslinging.

By Tom Sharpe:

At a campaign stop in Philadelphia, independent presidential candidate Kinko the clown announced to the press that he refused to run negative ads unless they helped get him elected.
A flyer was passed out to supporters in attendance which read,“Under no circumstances will I stoop to mud slinging that does not besmirch the reputations of my political rivals.” Kinko listed a number of people who would not be criticized in his ads, including his mother, orphans, beautiful women wearing bikinis and Mahatma Gandhi.

As a crowd estimated at 40,000 looked on, a video commercial was projected on a screen.  The commercial opened on a scene of two monkeys wearing cut-out paper masks depicting John McCain and Barack Obama.  The monkeys hooted and scratched themselves and threw what appeared to be feces. The scene then cut to fire-bombs exploding in a straw hut village with children screaming and running in all directions while an announcer’s voice intoned, “Barack Obama and John Mcain want to kill all the babies.” The screen then cut to a fuzzy-focused shot of Kinko sitting on a park bench, alternately bottle-feeding a baby and sniffing a daisy on his lapel.  As a stream of water shot out of the daisy and hit Kinko in the eye, the announcer’s voice continued, “I’m speaking on behalf of Kinko the clown and he supports this message.” The sound of a bicycle horn could be heard and the screen faded to black.  The crowd in attendance erupted in wild applause.  As Kinko exited the podium, several women wearing bikinis marched onto the stage, dancing to, “Girls, Girls, Girls.” One of the women appeared to be Kinko’s 78 year old mother. 

Motley Crüe could not be reached for comment.