Kinko for President

Kinko the Clown has refused to concede a hard fought campaign.

A ballroom packed with nearly 3000 would-be revelers stood in shocked amazement as the major networks called the presidential election for Barack Obama last night at Kinko For President’s campaign HQ last night.

This morning the champagne and the confetti were moved into storage but not before the Kinko campaign staff had filed a federal lawsuit demanding a recount of write-in ballots across the USA.

“I think it was a little premature of John McCain to concede to Obama but that’s his affair. I’m not conceding until I see the actual tally in every precinct in the U.S. of write in ballots. Because I’m pretty sure that I did better than the 18 votes that went unreported!” asserted Kinko the Clown. “Personally, I’m outraged for Americans everywhere that our electoral process has been hijacked by this notion of a ‘two party system.’ We are not a two party country we are a country of great diversity and more consideration should be given to voices outside of Washington.”

According to unnamed sources inside Kinko’s staff the clown was also upset that neither, Obama, George W. Bush, or John McCain called him to discuss the election results.

Today the Kinko For Presdient Campaign revealed a series of scathing testimonials against his Republican and Democratic rivals.

In a statement to the press Kinko said, “We just want our fellow Americans to know who they’re really voting for. These Ads feature real americans telling real stories about real candidates and we didn’t think we could hold this information from voters.”

"I knew this would happen and everyone said I was crazy. Well who's lauging now? No one. Because it's not funny." Kinko on the economy.

“That’s enough finger-pointing from Obama and McCain about today’s financial crisis,” said Kinko the clown today as the stock market dove more than 400 points. “It’s all lip service to attract voters. What solutions are they really offering American’s who’s 401ks and IRAs are tied to value of the market? It seems to me they’re just blaming the other guy so they seem like the better option. With the dollar slumping against world currencies like this anyone realize that we’re two steps away from bartering for food again?”

Kinko’s campaign today revealed a revolutionary but perhaps incidnieary addendum to their Spare Change Initiative. “What I’d like to do,” said Kinko “is have every single dollar invested on wall street reprinted, loaded onto a fleet of airplanes and dropped like snow all over the country.” His staff went on to explain that this will allow wealth in america to be spread out between all Americans evenly. “It’ll give everyone a fresh start and it’ll be fun!” said Kinko.

Stanley W. Geist, an analyst with a major brokerage firm with a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, had this to say, “I’d advise against Kinko’s plan but right now it’s not all that different from investing in stocks. Perhaps, if the IRS was will to let these massive losses go down as deductions, it might be interesting opportunity for average Americans. It would be fun to see all that money raining out of the sky though. It’d be like dreams I’ve had since I was a boy.”

The Kinko campaign was quick to point out that today’s market troubles are the result of experienced financial experts and government doing their best to keep America’s finacial health intact. “Look what experience has given us,” said Kinko. “Fortunately for America I have even less experience with politics and financial reform than Sarah Palin so I would definitely be the best candidate to lead America.”

When told this image was fake many soccer moms wanted to know if Palin was a liar as well as a cheap gun toting slut. "Why would she fake this? Is she trying to prove she's trailer trash?" asked one soccer mom.

“You used to know who a republican was,” said Martha Edendale-Fitch, “We were white, we were conservative christians, and we were soccer lovers. This whole hockey thing? That’s nonsense they cooked up in Canada.”

Edendale-Fitch is one of many identifying themselves as “soccer moms” who are fleeing the sudden influx of “hockey moms” to the GOP in response to the nomination of Sarah Palin who calls herself a “hockey mom”.

“My main problem is this whole pregnant daughter thing. I think we all know that hockey attracts and promotes teen sex. Do we want that in our party? Do we want that in our Vice President? I think we know the answer to these questions,” asserted Edendale-Fitch. “The great thing about soccer is that it teaches boys and girls to kick balls instead of slapping pucks. We all know what puck rhymes with.”

Many of these Soccer Moms have found a new home in the fledgling campaign of Kinko who’s campaign is fast becoming a home for those who are no longer under the republican or democratic banners.

“Kinko makes us feel safe. I don’t know if I’d feel safe with McCain in the white house.” said one soccer mom. “Maybe Palin should run for office in Canada. They like hockey.”

Kinko unveiled his new campaign ads in Philadelphia while vowing to end the constant political mudslinging.

By Tom Sharpe:

At a campaign stop in Philadelphia, independent presidential candidate Kinko the clown announced to the press that he refused to run negative ads unless they helped get him elected.
A flyer was passed out to supporters in attendance which read,“Under no circumstances will I stoop to mud slinging that does not besmirch the reputations of my political rivals.”  Kinko listed a number of people who would not be criticized in his ads, including his mother, orphans, beautiful women wearing bikinis and Mahatma Gandhi.

As a crowd estimated at 40,000 looked on, a video commercial was projected on a screen.  The commercial opened on a scene of two monkeys wearing cut-out paper masks depicting John McCain and Barack Obama.  The monkeys hooted and scratched themselves and threw what appeared to be feces. The scene then cut to fire-bombs exploding in a straw hut village with children screaming and running in all directions while an announcer’s voice intoned, “Barack Obama and John Mcain want to kill all the babies.”  The screen then cut to a fuzzy-focused shot of Kinko sitting on a park bench, alternately bottle-feeding a baby and sniffing a daisy on his lapel.  As a stream of water shot out of the daisy and hit Kinko in the eye, the announcer’s voice continued, “I’m speaking on behalf of Kinko the clown and he supports this message.” The sound of a bicycle horn could be heard and the screen faded to black.  The crowd in attendance erupted in wild applause.  As Kinko exited the podium, several women wearing bikinis marched onto the stage, dancing to, “Girls, Girls, Girls.”  One of the women appeared to be Kinko’s 78 year old mother. 

Motley Crüe could not be reached for comment.