Kinko for President

Are You Ready To Be All That You Can Be?

Do you think you have what it takes to help put a real clown in the white house? If so you could be Kinko’s Vice President.

Interested parties should e-mail their photo and a brief statement as to why they should be Kinko’s V.P. to . Once your submission is approved for consideration it will be posted for members of the public to vote on here at http://www.kinkoforpresident.com. Final voting will be tallied on Oct. 15th.

The winner may (or may not) be given Greyhound Bus Fare to the New York City victory party on Nov. 4th, a Kinko For President T-shirt, and a Kinko For President poster.

Potential Vice Presidents should be champions of personal responsibility, have a sense of humor, and be willing to tirelessly promote themselves and Kinko. An appreciation for the circus arts is appreciated but no required – on the job training provided - no benefits.

Is Criss Angel using his dark powers to direct business away from clowns and towards magicians?

“Clowns in poor and urban areas of our great country are in dire straights. There’s no gigs; parents are hiring petting zoos, moonbounces, cotton candy vendors, and magicians for their childrens birthday parties but clowns are being left behind. It’s my intention to close this achievement gap by 2012. We need to increase the standards of accountablity and increase the flexibility parents have in choosing entertainers for their kids. We need standards based clowning reform which is based on the belief that setting high expectations and establishing measurable goals can improve individual outcomes in juggling, making balloon animals and face painting,” said Kinko.

Kinko’s plan includes a clown coaching program which will send federally certified clown coaches into communities in need. In accordance with the 10th amendment limiting federal power individual states would have to set standards for their own coaching programs. As soon as Kinko is elected his administration will form a task force to work with congress and state legislators to enact this program called, No Clown Left Behind.

When asked what he thought might be causing the decline in demand for clowns Kinko said, “Reality Television, the rise in popularity of Poker, and slowing birth rates among the affluent. Either that or Criss Angel Mind Freak is subliminally telling America to stop hiring clowns and hire more magicians. Is it just me or is it more than just his mind that’s freaky?”

No response to Kinko’s allegations of “Freakyness” or of responsibility for reducing clown business has been made from the Criss Angel camp.

Kinko strikes a balance in that you can laugh with him and at him. The other candidates are hamstrung by sincerity and integrity.

Citing recent observations that it is hard to make fun of Barack Obama (article) Kinko made his case that there’s a humor gap in America.

“It used to be that in this great country of ours there was a surplus of humor but there hasn’t been a lot to smile about lately. The dollar has fallen to a record low. There’s a subprime mortgage crisis. We’re still at war… The last time things were this bad was perhaps the great depression. And Senator Obama is supposed to be the answer to our woes?”

Pointing out that many find Senator Obama sincere to the point where they have trouble making fun of him Kinko offered himself as the butt of many american jokes. “It’s pretty easy to make fun of a clown which is why I’d be a better candidate. Think of all the fun “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” could have if a clown were really president. The writers of their shows have their work cut out for them every day trying to make fun of McCain and Obama but with a real clown in office their lives would be easier and America would benefit.”

Philomena Bindlestiff pointed out that America has always born its struggles with a grin. “America’s sense of humor is being underestimated by the Republican and Democratic parties. Washington should not forget that the U.S.A. has used humor to as a weapon against slavery, and for womens’ suffrage, civil rights, and high gas prices. If we lose our sense of humor the terrorists will have won. We need a president who we can laugh at.”

“Unlike the other two candidates,” said Kinko, “every day of my presidency would be a joke.”

Kinko’s campaign staff were quick to say that each day the Kinko administration would issue jokes daily but that the presidency itself would not be a joke.

Kinko suggested even mimes could replace solidiers in Iraq and Afghanistan as early as next summer.

The Kinko For President campaign has released preliminary details of Kinko’s plans for his first 100 days in office.

“For his first 100 days in office Kinko will be focused on the economy and our involvement in Iraq,” said Philomena Bindlestiff, the clown’s campaign manager. “Those are priorities to every American and America’s priorities are Kinko’s priorities.”

To begin President Kinko will reduce our troop presence in Iraq by replacing our overworked men and women overseas with clowns.

“Things have been real tense over there; especially in Ramadi and Bagdad. A little levity will go a long way to smoothing things over,” said Kinko. There is, understandably, some public concern over replacing soldiers with clowns but Kinko assuaged fears. “Only professional clowns who speak arabic, with combat, weapons, and muslim sensitivity training will be certified to replace soldiers. I will work to speed through congress a bill approving a new branch of the armed forces called the Clown Corp. with appropriate resources to ensure every clown is properly trained and equipped with sidearms and sand repellent grease paint. “ When asked whether mimes might join this new army of clowns Kinko said, “Any red-blooded american who wants to serve his country can sign up. We have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in other military branches we will in the Clown Corp too.”

Simultaneous to this the Kinko administration will press forward with a unique economic stimulus plan. “Our economy is plummeting and President Bush’s tax rebates have had no effect. The majority of the money that was supposed to spur spending has instead gone into savings and and paying off debt. Well, if Americans want to pay off their debt and save money we should help them do it.” said Kinko. He then outlined a plan to peg the value of the dollar to peanuts. “At the rate of the dollar’s declining value vs. other world currencies the dollar will only be worth peanuts. Why not simply let citizen’s exchange their worthless dollars for peanuts? And while we’re at it we can tell China that we’re going to pay back our enormous Treasury loan debts in peanuts instead of dollars. Peanuts don’t require printing, they keep for a couple years, and they’re high in ‘healthy’ fats and oils. I’m sure China will be happy with this arrangement because the future value of peanuts is clearly more stable.”

A member of the press asked the clown if he was serious. “What do you think?” asked Kinko. 

Kinko the clown declared George W. Bush a lame duck.

On his recent visit to Japan, George Bush made a wish and posted it on a wishing tree for the public to see; prompting the following response from Mr. Kinko.

“It’s a shame to see a once powerful a man reduced to wishful thinking. I suppose with a democratically controlled congress Mr. Bush is feeling powerless but the last thing America needs right now is wishful thinking from it’s leaders – we need action. When I am president I will take immediate real world steps to bridge the chasms in Washington that have left our country lost at sea without a rudder.”

When asked what these real world steps would be Kinko answered, “First of all a ban on wishful thinking for members of the executive branch of our country. That’s just lame and it’s even lamer coming from the President.”

Kinko’s campaign staff hastened to add that Kinko will soon be releasing a more thorough plan for his first 100 days in office.