Kinko for President

Citing their long term relationship with Kinko the clown The Bindlestiff Family Cirkus heartily and officially endorsed Kinko The Clown for president today.

The Cirkus has also vowed to put their fund-raising muscle behind the candidate and are seeking donors to take Kinko For President on the best campaign tour the rapidly diminishing dollar can afford and offered to throw in a complete evening or matinee at every campaign stop as an enticement to donors.  More information can be obtained at their site.

“Today we are coming together for the same goal—to elect Kinko the Clown the next president of the United States,” Philomena Bindlestiff told a crowd of about 3,000.

“We are ready to go toe-to-toe with McCain and Obama in what will be a hard-fought general election, but today and every day going forward we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with this red nosed fella for the ideals we share and the values we cherish,” she said. “It’s the White House or Bust!”

According to Kinko The Clown even small cars can be used to rideshare. The candidate apparently prefers colorful models such as this one.

Today, Kinko the clown buffed his green credentials with his unique approach to reducing his own carbon footprint. “We need to get more aggressive about carpooling,” the clown suggested. “Last night 23 friends and I climbed in a MiniCooper to make a beer run and we still had room for 2 kegs. It just requires training, flexibility and a dull sense of smell.”

Kinko’s staff has issued a the following retraction to would-be extreme carpoolers: “Kinko The Clown and his campaign accept no responsibility or liability for members of the public who knowingly exceed the maximum number of passengers and weight restrictions recommended by car manufacturers. Always drive safely and responsibly.”

Shocked by John McCain’s sudden reversal on opening up the shores of America to more oil exploration Kinko lashed out. “This is typical republican fear mongering. McCain is tryng to make americans think they can’t live without more oil. What America needs is new fuel sources such as farts and laughter. Farts contain methane which, when refined, is a great fuel and anyone who has seen Monsters Inc. can tell you that laughter is 10 times more powerful than fear.”

Not to be outdone by his republican rival’s $300 Million dollar prize for a better battery for electric cars Kinko has offered a $2 Billion dollar prize to anyone who can devise a way to combine farts and laughter into the ultimate super fuel.

Wild rumors and speculation about who might be chosen as a vice presidential candidate are being squashed by the Kinko Campaign

“It’s really hard,” said campaign staffer Philomena Bindlestiff, “basically because he’s so presidential already we don’t need a VP to bolster any particular aspect.”  Rumors have been swirling about many hopefuls who have approached the Kinko campaign – rumors of sports star Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics, bi-sexual reality show icon Tila Tequila, and even speculation that Nick Lachey is interested have been denied by the campaign and the supposed hopefuls. But as the campaign progresses it’s clear that a VP will need to be chosen. Kinko said, “We’ll make a decision when the right running mate presents themselves.”

Philomena Bindlestiff then proceeded to downplay the attempts to “swift-boat” Kinko’s growing popularity: “All the allegations are true. He is a clown. He is an eagle scout. He does use public restrooms. Why should he deny any of that?”

Unnamed sources have leaked a rumor that Terry McCauliffe may like to join Kinko's campaign. Kinko and his staff are circumspect.

Today, in the spirit of transparency, Kinko The Clown released his tax returns for the last few years. The press and campaign staff were shocked to learn that Kinko has subsisted strictly on the meager earnings of a clown and the kindness of others.

Kinko, a mute clown, scribbled furiously on tattered pieces of cardboard to explain, “The circus arts have suffered greatly in the past years. I wanted the public, my supporters and even my detractors to know that their candidate really is a clown.”  He then added, “This ain’t a day job people.”

According to unnamed sources, Terry McCauliffe, the former campaign manager of Hillary Clinton, was so taken with Kinko’s honesty that he’s considering an offer to manage Kinko’s campaign. When told of this rumor Kinko said, “That guy is too sincere. He freaks me out… but I’ll take a bonafide offer under advisement.”

Kinko is thronged by enthusiastic supporters hoping for an autograph

Months of speculation and rumor mongering are over. On Sunday, Mr. Kinko officially announced that he would seek the presidency as a third-party candidate.

“If there was no other reason to run — other than the civil liberties, civil rights issue of ballot access — it’d be worth it,” Mr. Kinko said in a telephone interview after announcing his candidacy on “Meet the Clown.”

Mr. Kinko, a mute clown who made his mark by taking on the box-car industry more than 40 years ago, turns 35 this week, making him the youngest candidate in the race.

Mr. Kinko explained his candidacy by saying Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain were nearly indistinguishable on many important issues. On “Meet the Clown,” he conceded that “there are differences” between Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, and Senator Barack Obama, who has an edge in delegates as the Democratic race heads to the next nominating contests on March 4.

But Mr. Kinko said that issues like single-payer health insurance, labor law reform, the Iraq war and “cracking down on corporate mimes” had been “taken off the table” by the major-party candidates.

Mr. Kinko also said ballot access had become a central issue for him. Coming to the presidential race late he was anxious to be added to the ballot in all 50 states, he said. But election officials throughout the country seemed resistant to putting a clown on the ballot, he said.

He recently filed two complaints, in Superior Court in Washington and in Federal District Court in Virginia, accusing the Democratic National Committee and it’s GOP counterpart of conspiring to deny him ballot access and prevent him from running for president. Both parties may challenge the signatures on his petitions in many states, keeping him off the ballot in Pennsylvania, Ohio and elsewhere.

Mr. Kinko compared the marginalization of independent candidates to the discrimination against blacks in the South maintained by the Jim Crow laws.

“One is based on race,” he said, “and the other is based on status. They are basically discriminating against us because they think we’re going take votes away from them.” He added, “Look at it from the voter point of view: They’re denying us a free choice of candidates.”

Reactions from the Democratic candidates on Sunday ranged from disdainful to dismissive.

Told of Mr. Kinko’s announcement on her campaign plane, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said: “Wow, that’s really unfortunate. I remember when he did this before. It’s not good for anybody, especially our country.”

Mr. Obama, campaigning in Ohio, said: “Mr. Kinko deserves enormous credit for the work he did as an advocate for Hobos. But his function as a perennial candidate is not putting food on the table of workers.”

Mr. Obama also criticized Mr. Kinko for equating Mr. Gore and Mr. Bush: “Eight years later, people realize that Mr. Kinko did not know what he was talking about.”