Kinko for President

Kinko lashed out at FEMA's continued poor response to flooding in Iowa.

by: Tom Sharpe

Presidential candidate Kinko the clown called a press conference at the home of Marjorie Williams, 74, this Thursday.  Although Williams lives in Marion, Iowa, a town entirely unaffected by this summer’s flooding, it had come to Kinko’s attention that Mrs. William’s bathroom had been flooded by a large puddle of water earlier in the week.  She had forgotten to turn off the bath faucet when she became engrossed in a rerun of Days of Our Lives and water flowed onto the floor for close to three minutes.  Williams panicked and used a good guest towel to mop up the water and expressed concern that she had ruined the fabric.

Kinko expressed outrage at FEMA’s failure to respond to the emergency by beeping a bicycle horn and shaking his head sadly.
He then walked into the house and began juggling Mrs. William’s dinner plates.  When he inadvertently dropped one and broke it, he feigned crying.  This action segued into crying on Mrs. William’s shoulder, which turned into hugging her, then squeezing her breast as if it were his bicycle horn while miming laughing.  Mrs. Williams then called the police and a few minutes later, Kinko, dragging his size 18 feet, was escorted off the premises.

The Kinko campaign was upset that Barack Obama's campaign had scheduled Mr. Obama's appearance at the same time and place as Mr. Kinko's. Kinko was escorted away by Berlin's finest following his speech.

by: MATT PATTERSON BERLIN — Kinko the clown stood before a sea of cheering Germans last Thursday seeking to inspire a fresh perspective among our closest allies.

Unfortunately, not many Berliners could hear him. “I shouldn’t have been surprised,” said Mr. Kinko. “Obama’s people must be really threatened by my growing campaign to plan a counter-protest at the same time as me.”

The German police estimated that more than 200,000 people came to the Tiergarten, a sprawling park in the center of Berlin. Although the American media hyped the draw of opponent Barack Obama to the crush of Germans in attendance, many people in the crowd were heard to be asking about “der klown.”

Kinko’s keynote speech, delivered through a translator on bullhorn a few hundred feet behind the Brandenburg Gate was met with wild enthusiasm despite Mr. Barack’s well-amplified ramblings.

“Tonight, I speak to you not as a candidate for President, but as a clown — a proud clown and the funniest citizen of the world,” Mr. Kinko declared.

In his 9-minute address, Mr. Kinko reminded the crowd that although Europeans couldn’t vote in an American election, it was important that he speak to them now. After all, Germans can spam Kinko for President propaganda to American’s e-mail addresses without fear of the United States’ Federal CANNED-SPAM Act.

“I know my country isn’t perfect,” he said to cheers from the crowd. “Then again look at yourselves. America never tried to kill all of their Jews.”

Mr. McCain, campaigning in Ohio, belittled Mr. Kinko’s grasp of serious policy and criticized him for delivering his address at all.

“I’d love to give a speech in Germany like my opponents,” Mr. McCain told a crowd in Ohio, “but I frankly can’t afford the airfare. It’s high season and those new fuel surcharges are killer.”

During his stay, local Police chased Kinko around town, offering a minute-by-minute update of his whereabouts. “Panhandling is illegal in city limits, and while welcome the clown to speak in Berlin, he can not legally ask for spare change,” said Berlin Kommisar Herman Klink. “We’ve seen his poster and we know what he stands for.”

Other Berliner’s had no qualms with Kinko’s progressive platform. Manfred Hinckle, 64, said Mr. Kinko’s address brought back memories of Martin Luther King Jr.’s visit to East Berlin in 1964. “I thought, who is this guy yelling at me so loudly in English?”

“There are differences between our two countries, yeah,” Mr. Kinko said in his speech. “Perhaps the greatest thing we can learn from you people is that if you serve cold beer at McDonald’s, society does not break down into anarchy. Unfortunately.”

To the gathered crowd waving American flags, Kinko the Clown wrapped up. “People of Berlin, and people of Earth, your world is your challenge. I am Kinko, I am in charge of Kinko’s world. You are in charge of Germany. Knowing your neighbor is cool. Hi Germany! How are you? Our government is really big and scary. Sorry about that.”

He waved good bye as the Berlin police dragged him down to the U-Bahn tunnels, away from the crowd.

Kim Jong IL thinks Kinko should lead North Korea in the event of his untimely demise.

Kinko the clown may find himself leader of two countries if Kim Jong Il, the eccentric dictator of North Korea, has his way or dies anytime soon.

Kinko’s whirl-wind world-wide fact finding mission made a prolonged stop in Pyongyang, the capital of perhaps the most politically isolated nation on earth, where the red carpet was rolled out for Kinko and his staff. The 18 hour stop began over a large banquet presided over by Mr. Jong Il and was followed by an hour long parade of North Korea’s army in full dress regalia. Then Kinko and his team were allowed to visit the massive North Korean International Brotherhood Food Museum detailing the glories of North Korea’s farmers and the communist regime’s success in fighting world hunger.

At which point Kinko stopped the proceedings, turned to Mr. IL and scribbled the following on a scrap of paper, “Mr. IL, this is all lies, you’re lying to yourself and your people. Mr. IL, tear down this museum and tear down the walls that divide this country from it’s south half.”

Shocked, Kim Jong IL responded, “No one has ever spoke like this to me. Do you know who you are speaking to clown?”

To which Kinko replied, “Mr. IL, we are both men of action. Word do not suit us. But let me say this: I know that I am speaking to the leader of a great country and a great people but you must look in your heart and see that what you are doing here is no longer working. Your people are hungry – hungry for food, knowledge, and the rights of self-determination. It’s time I think to give your country back to the people who make it work. Right now, you are no better than the fool who has seized the reins of America.”

Ashamed, Kim Jong IL realized that Kinko the clown was right. Within minutes he had declared that by 2020 he would tear down the wall which divides North and South Korea and establish a democratic commission to oversee the creation of a new government. He also made it known that should he become infirm or die before this time that Kinko the clown would be his first pick to take the reins of this communist nation.

“I’m very flattered by Kim’s enthusiasm for my candidacy but I’m an American. I don’t think I would have the cultural knowledge and savvy to lead the people of North Korea to freedom. But I think they can do this themselves and should do it with all due haste.”

Before leaving Kinko was presented with the Kim IL Sung award, North Korea’s highest honor.

Ahmahdinejhad said, "We will halt development of weaponized uranium as soon as Kinko is president of the United States."

Kinko the clown has begun his world tour with a charm offensive in Iran; one of America’s most vaunted enemies. His reception was incredibly well received and arab newspapers are atitter with the news.

After a very long closed door meeting with Iran’s president Kinko was heartily endorsed by President Ahmadinejad. “Kinko has delighted me with his juggling, sword swallowing, and tying of balloon creatures,” said Ahmadinejad, “I can see with great clarity that this man, this clown, will treat our nation, and all nations with the respect we deserve. What is more, he has explained to me clearly and simply that jews are not really evil, in such a way that I now understand this to be true. So we will not have to blow Israel off the map as we had long intended to. It seems that we are, as all men are, filled with cultural prejudice. Kinko has shown me that if we lead a life with fact based decision making we’ll be able to forge better relations with the west. I pray to Allah that Kinko is elected President of The United States.”

Ahmadinejad also said that he may allow women to appear in public without veils and see what he could do about America’s rising gas prices. “I serve at the pleasure of Kinko,” said Ahmadinejad.

Due to security concerns the Kinko For President campaign has chosen not to reveal Kinko’s next far east destiation.

A Virtual Yard Sign Like This You Can Post Anywhere With Every Donation No Matter How Small!

The Kinko campaign today announced that it is forgoing public funds in favor of a novel method of campaign finance.

“Unlike Obama and McCain we don’t need millions to get to the White House,” said Kinko, “just give us your spare change and we’ll put it to good use.”

If you believe in regime change then Kinko needs your spare change. Make a bonafide tax-deductible donation, in any amount, to Kinko’s campaign here: http://www.bindlestiff.org/menu/donate.html

Donations are being handled by The Bindlestiff Family Cirkus who is using it’s promotional muscle to take the Kinko For President campaign on the road and provide Americans a chance to meet Kinko The Clown in person. As a bonus they’ll also be putting on a bitchin’ variety circus arts show.

What are your donations being used for? Mostly to buy gas so the Cirkus can drive to all it’s campaign stops and tour dates. Really, that’s where it’s going.

Just do it already. We are PayPal enabled so it couldn’t be easier. You’ve probably already got spare change sitting in your PayPal account. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have those pesky digits after the decimal point messing up the balance in your checking account?

If you donate, even a penny, we’ll send you a personalized, electronic yard sign, with the amount you donated to the campaign that you can post anywhere on the internet to let people know you support Kinko For President.

WE CAN BELIEVE IN SPARE CHANGE