Platform
Politics are no laughing matter.
Although my platform can be summed up in two concepts—flexibility and a sense of humor—I understand that the American people deserve a deeper understanding of my understandings of deep issues. And so, I would like to present my twenty-three point platform:
On Environment and Energy: I like the environment. I think we should keep it. Heck, we can even fix it up and make it like a home. Why can’t we run vehicles on the power of laughter and farts? Since farts are funny, we could actually create a real perpetual motion driven car.
On Immigration: How did you get here? OK, maybe not you, but your parents. OK, maybe not them, but your grandparents. OK… From land bridges, to ships, to the immigration line, America has always been based on one population moving in and pushing the previous one out. Why should this change? Maybe the next crew can help bring back the neighborhood.
On Taxes: Life is taxing enough. If you have some spare change, give. If you don’t, just live.
On Education: Under my “No Kid Left to Mime” initiative, every kid will have real doors to go through. There will be no fighting the wind on school grounds, and no invisible boxes holding our children back. Every child will be evaluated on his or her ability to be generally useful. Important life experiences will be taught, including juggling, balancing, accounting, safety, manners, daredevilry, roustabouting, cooking, cleaning, and tearing down.
On the War on Terror: We’d better make dreams illegal so nightmares will not happen. Some things are just plain stupid. So your neighbor may be a terrorist, what should you do? Let’s take a moment and look back at history: Witch hunts, Communist scares, and feeding Christians to lions. Come on, if we are going to wage war, why not a war on stupidity?
On the War on Drugs: I don’t think this notion is specific enough. The realm of drugs is such a wide chasm. To make war on drugs is no different than genocide. It has been proven that there are many drugs that are beneficial to the human condition. And of course, there are those who will lose everything and basically fall apart.
On the Economy: I say it is time for America to prepare for the possibility of global financial collapse. If it does not happen, you will live like queens and kings. If it does, you will be one of the brave, the few, the proud, who had foresight. There is an art to dumpster diving—practice now while you still have an option. Start preparing for a barter based society. And regardless, of course, there are those who will lose everything and basically fall apart.
On The Middle East: Pull Out! It was not nice for us to stick it in like we did, and now the least we can do is pull out.
On Space Exploration: Exploration is great, but pick up your damn trash. Leave no traces!
On the Patriot Act: An act of this nature should be no longer than five minutes. Any longer, and the audience gets numb and falls asleep.
On Work: Americans work too much. By working less you can help get rid of homelessness and poverty. If everyone worked less, there would be more work for everyone.
On the Deficit: To get rid of the deficit, we would need to get rid of all the underpinnings of contempory American society. Huh.
On Same-sex Marriage: Just like wanting to be in the military, I just don’t understand. But heck, if they want to be married, call me—I am ordained and have a great minister-with-act wedding combination package.
On Abortion: If you don’t want one, don’t get one.
On Foreign Relations: As a world traveling tramp clown, I have come to have a great understanding of Foreign Relations. You know what they say about a clown with big feet…
On Minimum Wage: For too long we have argued over minimum wage. Regardless of what level is set, there will always be people getting even less. If we had to make some laws governing wages, expect maximum wage laws.
On Communists, China, Russia, and Cuba: Communism is good for circus, and especially cirque. Without communism, and the creation of amazing skilled artists working for well below western payment standards, many of the most well known circus shows would be unable to continue.
On Rail travel: Rail travel will be greatly improved. Expect advancements in environmental impacts of trains. Additional empty boxcars will be required on all trains.
On the Death Penalty: If we are going to have executions, make them public again. Let the people see what the judges are doing. And why not hire a few jugglers, maybe a rope walker, an electric chair act, stilt walkers… But as president, I would get rid of a penalty that is more than losing at the game of life. The idea of anything except nature, accidents, or showbiz dishing out this penalty is preposterous. I kill on stage and in rings, and sleep soundly every night.
On the Voting Age: Lower it to five years old. If you can wipe your own butt, you should be able to vote.
On the Drinking Age: As president I would assign a committee to study the effects on the nation of reinstating a complete alcohol prohibition. Make everyone a criminal. A quick glance at society shows that it evolved on moral, social, and artistic levels due to prohibition. The lame level of the current society could possibly use such a renaissance again. But if we are going to keep drinking legal, why make the age a law. Whiskey on the gums for teething, champagne toast for tweening the New Years, occassional beer with the family… Prohibition makes for good times. Responsible drinking is bred since birth.
On Gun Control: I suggest two hands for most weapons, unless you are spinning or juggling them, in which one hand may suffice.
On Government: I am Kinko, I am in charge of Kinko’s world. You are [your name here]. You are in charge [your name here]‘s world. Knowing your neighbor is cool. Government is too big. Our government is oppressing too much. Smash the state with loving kindness.
Warning: Don’t sleep with the clowns!
Politics are no laughing matter.
